I Don't Feel Better | Personal

I said it today, I said the words "my dad is dying". I thought in admitting that to myself that I would feel better, I feel worse. I don't even know what I feel. I know that things happen for a reason and God has a plan. In fact this morning while reading one of the verses in my plan was Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 A Time for Everything:

1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Perfect timing, right? . . . Although that gave me some peace, I still just feel completely lost inside. Maybe for selfish reasons, maybe because I don't know what will happen to my Dad's soul, maybe just maybe I should relax some.

For my personal reasons I'm not ready to let go of my Dad. No one ever is. Although I had him around when I was little, he did miss a significant amount of my life and he wasn't around nearly as much as either of us would have liked. We are now having the relationship we should have always had, and now I have to face the fear of losing him. I also sit back and think of the things I will never have that others take for granted. I may never have that father daughter dance at my wedding or have my father walk me down the isle (unless Nick steps up REAL soon). To me that is important, that is something I have always wanted and have always envisioned. And I have watched people close to me take that for granted. My sister being one, at the time of her wedding her and my Dad weren't that close. My step sister really took it for granted and her Dad has always been there for her. I also realize that when I have kids they may never know him and he is a man that they should know. He is full of knowledge, humor, joy and he has so many stories to tell. And he has three grandchildren that he rarely sees and it kills me that I want kids so he can be able to spend time with them. I fear I will never know more that what I know of him now and he has so much to offer as a father and as a person. 

Then there is that scary thought of where does he stand in his faith. My Dad does not live a perfect life, far from it probably. But I pray that he has faith and he looks to the Lord for answers and knows the truth. He tried to bring me up in that way so I just like to think that is how he feels no matter what doubts he may have.

Then I sit back and wonder if I worry too much. But I have seen a decline in him over the past two years. And it just continues to get worst and the only thing that the doctors seem to be able to do is give him chemo. He's too weak for surgeries.

I want him to be okay, I want him to be healthy again. That's not logical. But what I do want is for him to not suffer and to be happy. I want to be able to spend more time with him and to have him around longer. 

I guess I just needed to vent. It doesn't help, but at least I'm not bottling it up.